For months now, I have battled the fear and anxiety of what the news headlines call “our new normal.” I struggle to comprehend all the devastation, the suffering, and all the lost families across the world have had to endure during this difficult time.
Suffering is a very personal and lonely experience. These past months, I have been suffering alone and with each day, I wake up to a new uncertain future. I am unclear, if it is this feeling of uncertainty that causes this never- ending cycle of negative thinking that works me into a most certain panic. This frenzy overwhelms me and I sit there or lie there motionless in a paralytic state. It is at this point, the worries flood my mind – Can I get a new job? Can I pay my rent or mortgage? Will I be able to eat tomorrow? Can I recover? How can I be there for my loved ones? The list of worries never ceases to be.
I invited panic and worry into my life and its shadow casts over me. I do what people do. I withdrew. Then one day, after another sleepless night due to worrying, I prayed. It had been months since I prayed. My faith has not been the strongest during this time. I am unsure why it was shaken so much. However, it was not that I did not believe, but more that I just did not understand why suffering has to have a meaning. What is there to learn from all of this? How do I transform tragedy into triumph?
So, I prayed. This time it felt different. I laid there looking up at the white ceiling of my bedroom, and I chose to surrender. I surrendered my negative thinking and I asked God for help. I asked Him to restore my faith and trust. I also asked for the ability to realize when I go into this negative catatonic thought cycle, so that I can stop it. I thanked God for listening to me and I apologized for leaving Him out of my life while I was distracted with my own uncertainty.
I awoke the next morning feeling rested. As I laid there trying to get out of bed, my mind started to conjure worrying thoughts. For me, I have been constantly worrying about money and being able to pay my bills. My mind focused on my expensive health insurance premium and wondering where I would find the money for it. However, before the racing panic came, a text noise filled the room. Thank God, for the ability for me to be distracted by anything my phone has to offer. I instantly reach for my phone and look to see what came in. It was from a distant family friend, who I am not close with, reaching out to me to see if I was available to talk. I instantly sprang out of bed rushing to the bathroom to take care of the morning essentials. I called back, but no answer.
My first thought was that I hope everything is ok. My next thought - why would that friend call me? My feelings had changed. I no longer had the time to deal with my one-man pity party. I had to be present for someone else. I felt needed and feelings of hope started to take over. Hours later, my friend called me back. I did not realize it right away, but God was answering my prayer. He had somehow sent me a person who was feeling the same way I was. I was relieved to find out that I was not alone in my suffering. However, others all over the world were possibly feeling the same panic and anxiety. After that first phone call, I made a conscience decision that I no longer wanted to live in the darkness of panic and worry. I now had a choice to make every day when I woke up. Do I let darkness in or seek out love and hope?
I asked God for hope, faith, and trust. He sent me a stranger who was lost too. Unknowingly that stranger became a good friend, who has saved me in more ways than I have ever helped him. Each of us on a daily basis will have to endure an uncertain future. The choice is ours to be present and to choose hope over worry. We can no longer give power to negative and clouded thinking, instead, we have to give ourselves a break and trust that it will all work itself out. Things will be fine. It will be ok. Only then will we be able to move away from worry so that we can finally let in all the good stuff - love and hope.
The days ahead will be difficult and challenging. It is so easy to succumb to old habits of panic and worry. But, what if today is the day you choose love instead of despair? What if, you place your faith in knowing that it will be ok?
I made the decision to surrender to God’s love. I placed my faith in Him so that I can trust that each day will be ok. I look for the light of hope He sends me every morning and I do my very best to stay cautious of the darkness that surrounds me. I pray for all of you, hoping you each find your own way and that you will seek out love and hope instead of panic and worry.
Loving Father,
I surrender. Your love gives me the hope I need to fight my worries away. Let my faith remain steadfast, knowing that everything will be ok. Thank you for the many blessings you send my way. Help me to love the way you do so that others may experience your saving grace.
Amen.
